Not that anyone is to blame for what happened…
But I forgive you. And I forgive myself too.
This is weird. It is the first time that I felt like this after a breakup. I do not feel the intense desire of putting all the blame on you. I don’t feel like calling you names, or mocking you.
Maybe because I realized that I am no better. We both caused each other pain. You made me realize my shortcomings, my bad traits that I need to work on to improve. And I also have let you know where I think you went off. Above all, I learned that I should guard my heart. That giving my all to someone will only bring me pain, regret and longing when it doesn’t go as I have expected it. That I should ALWAYS save some love for myself.
What I felt during the actual breakup up to this day is actually lighter than what I have imagined. I am doing better than how I have pictured. Maybe because I saw it all coming. Maybe because I was already expecting it.
On the other hand, I can’t avoid thinking that this may be the case because I know that I will still see you almost all day, every day. Maybe because I know that you are not going away, anytime soon. Maybe because I know I can still see your awkward dance once in a while. Maybe because I know I can still see those beautiful eyes that once were my world.
Will I still be this fine once the weekend comes?
Will I be this calm and collected once the holidays come?
Will I be this well once special occasions come?
These are what I am scared about. Honestly, I do not know for sure.
But, instead of waiting and finding out that I am indeed somewhat relaxed knowing the fact that you would still be around, I am deciding to believe and follow a whole new perspective.
I don’t feel any intense emotions because God is steadying my heart.
I believe that this is the Lord making His way on me.
I believe that this is Jesus already healing me.
I will seek and follow God’s purpose for my life. I will be thankful for what happened and use this experience as a learning moment in my walk with Jesus.
Why am writing about this then? If I am so calm and collected as I claim to be, why am I taking the time to write about my emotional state? I write to let go. I think that if I write about what I feel, what has happened would seem more real and it would be easy for me to accept it and move on from it.
If I say that I stopped wondering if there is still a slight chance of getting back together, I would be lying. There will always be that stubborn part of my heart where I have kept my future hopes and dreams, with you in it. That cannot be taken away with a snap of a finger. Every time I feel this, I force myself to go back to the reasons why we broke up and just lift it all up to God. I pray I do a good job at that.
I am sincerely wishing with all my heart that you will also find peace. I pray that you have learned something from our relationship and are willing to change for the better.
I love you and I wish you all the best.
in love with fireworks 